I've done and have been doing since you were promoted home. However no one can tell me how to stop thinking of you. How to stop feeling the emptiness your absence has brought into my life. How to not feel like I was so specially blessed by God that I was your wife. That I found a partner who for the first time in my whole life...made me feel like someone. Not even my mother or family ever did that. Not that they weren't supportive but
you always made me feel oh so special in every way. As a person, a woman,
a friend, a music collaborator, a lover, a wife, but most of all you thought of my spiritual being. You know being married before like I was and you were it was the one and most IMPORTANT thing we shared together...God. We prayed together daily, every single day and night. We dedicated this marriage to God and He gave us back so much within it because He knew He was at
the center of it. Were we perfect....NO, were you perfect....NO, was I
perfect...NO, but our love for God first and our sharing this was...IS. A
friend recently said to me when I broke down to her to tell her that everyone
keeps telling me to move on. She said "Mare your love and marriage was
truly founded and based on a respect for each other and a common love for God
and you both knew that everyday and made sure He was the center of that.
So unlike the other marriages you were both in, this time you were both mature
and came into it knowing that God had to be at the center for it to work".
She was right...and I refuse to let ANYONE make me feel like I should move on
because they are uncomfortable with where I'm at. I made that mistake when
he was in the hospital and everyone was saying he's gone come on just leave him
there. Yes it was true his spirit was gone but I should have stayed for me
instead of being bullied to conform. You know why...beacause I regret
leaving that night and I will for the rest of my life. I know there was
nothing for me to do for him...but this would have been for me, that last little
time, just for me. I could do like some widows and help with the pain but
taking a daily drug so I just don't have to have these feelings that keep coming
up but I've always wanted to go through it rather than to mask it with
drugs. Not that drugs aren't good for some and really help, I just know I
take enough stuff into my body as it is due to the arthritis and I would rather
not. Don't get me wrong I take Xanax when I can't sleep occassionally but
that's about it.
Okay the rollercoaster has now come to a stop again and the bar has lifted so I can exit the cart to right. Hope the emotions don't jump back in line again for another ride.